heartbreak sucks

I wrote this January 9th and kept it private. Changed it to password protected today, January 24th.

I haven’t heard from Scott since Friday afternoon. I have no clue why. He said he had a week of work left and he was going to have some family time and some travel coming up. Then we were planning on meeting up. Be it in Des Moines or him coming to me, sometime late January / early February.

If I said something wrong, I am completely oblivious. It appears my texts are going through, they show delivered. He has an iPhone so they are still blue. I sent a few snapchats, but they aren’t opened, nor is the funny video on TikTok I sent him. This is what is bothersome to me. I’m not blocked.

It’s a weird phase of whatever this relationship is, can I even call it that? Am I allowed to be worried that something happened. Does he owe it to me to tell me? We have talked about if we felt like we didn’t want to talk anymore both of us agreed we would let the other know. If he just needed a break from “this” I feel selfish to think that I deserved to know but also he doesn’t owe me anything, but then a week before when he was feeling sick he let me know that he wasn’t feeling well and was going to be not so talkative.

I worry that something happened to him or his family. He’s out there by himself, so I’m hoping he’s okay. I really hope nothing happened to his family… just a million things are going through my head.

I’m feeling a little heartbroken, but I’m trying to hold out hope. I felt very connected to him in the few weeks we talked. It was the realist connection I have had with someone I “met” in probably a long time, like probably since Adam… and even that didn’t feel as strong as this.

I tried really hard to not get my hopes up, not get feelings involved, but I did. I would like to think that I will hear from him… like maybe this las week of work is a lot; packing up where he’s been for 6ish months and leaving a job and all that it entails, and when he gets back and has time he might shoot me a text.

I feel like the wind is knocked out of my sails. I feel like I just moped around all weekend. I’m sure as the days go by it will get easier. For now, my heart is hurting and that’s okay. In the short time we got to know each other he made me feel so happy, and I smiled a lot. I feel asleep with goodnight wishes and good morning darlin texts. He showed me what I deserve.

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