Grief

Grief is such a strange thing.

In the span of 7 months I lost both my Grandmas. One battled pancreatic cancer for 15 months (Grandma Joyce) and the other (Grandma Eva) had a tear in her heart that was only discovered when she thought she had the flu in a trip to the ER the day after Christmas; after a long 8+ hour surgery they were able to repair it, but after 10 days; her heart just wasn’t strong enough and she told us it was time.

Christmas Eve came and went, Ash and I cooked dinner at “Grandma’s” house that Brent bought; nothing much on the emotions; today, her 2nd birthday she’s been gone and bam, they hit me like a mac-fucking-truck. I don’t know if it’s because last year I was still in shock of it all not even being one-month fresh; or if Dad’s knee surgery on the same day occupied my mind; but today I’m having a helluva time.

Ashley shared a picture of her girls with Grandma’s wigs on; I cried at my desk. Jill shared a picture from my Timehop that I took 4 years ago, of a very little Treyden sitting on Grandma’s lap, and I cried. Tonight; I cleaned out the first Scentsy warmer Grandma ever had, used, and loved that I got back from Brent, and bawled. I’ve been reading the comments of all our posts about her.

I’ve kept myself busy, I’ve tried to call her a few times to wish her a happy birthday. I thought it would get easier. It doesn’t. I was much closer to her than with Grandma Joyce. Don’t get me wrong, I miss Grandma Joyce too, and I think about her quite often, she was so amazing to us and she didn’t even have to be. We just weren’t as close. I really regret that; because grandparents are special.

Tonight; today, often; I’m missing Grandma Eva. I think about a recipe or going somewhere, anywhere on a drive, I want to call her. I don’t think you ever “get over” someone being gone. You just learn to deal with it a bit more each day; and some days are uglier than others. Today, grief reared it’s ugly head.