grieving it all.

I typed this on my phone.

I think I’m at the anger stage of grieving over Scott. I’m doing better not constantly checking my phone and worrying all the time. I’m pissed at him for not sending me a message [if he is okay]. But I’m mostly mad that I cannot have dreams about him. I can day dream / think about him, but he never shows up in dreams. I am one who can remember dreams…

I even thought at one point, was this even real!? But I re-read the TikTok messages, all the text messages – that took me nearly 3 hours.

I just feel lost, because there was no real end to it, no closure. I just want to know he’s okay and he just doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

Everyday that goes by it makes it more real it’s not a thing anymore. And how do you come back from it if I were to get a text? I would 98% be willing to pick back up, after some clarification and explanation and what happens if … so it doesn’t happen again.

I think it’s hard now because next weekend was one of the timeframe weekends we had in mind. And then again when I was going to Tulsa; mid February I’d be going right through KC.

I think that drive through there will be tough. My heart still feels empty, my gut tells me something happened vs. ghosting. Or maybe I just want to believe that. My rational self is thinking about giving up because this is just how ghosting works and I’m a fucking spectacular ghostee?

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