Should have known.

I typed this on my phone -1/9 but didn’t post it for a while…

I have always thought writing and talking about it makes it blow up in my face and I was right.

I haven’t heard from Scott since Friday about 5pm. Things were going well. I really don’t know where it went wrong. A friend said maybe he has a lot going on with packing up everything and it being his last week of work at his contract. I get that, to an extent. But to go from all the communication to nothing.

I am not not blocked, he’s not reading my messages on TikTok – granted I only sent one. He hasn’t opened SnapChat, and my text message [iPhone] isn’t blocked because it’s still blue.

I worry that something happened. He’s in a part of California that nothing weatherwise is happening. I worry something happened to him and he is unable to reply. I have scoured FB and nothing. I worry something happened to his kids or his family, cannot find anything, at least surface level. Again… a text to say there’s a family emergency seems like it would seem like it would be normal.

We have had conversations about how we would let the other know we were done, vs just ghosting. His contract is up tomorrow. I feel like I’m holding out hope but also I’ve cried all the tears. I haven’t had this close of a connection with anyone. Not even Adam.

I spent a lot of time over the weekend worrying, wondering, crying, all the things. I’m not checking my phone as often, back to keeping my phone on silent vs the sound on listening for his text / ringtone. If he wants to reach out he will. I didn’t send a million text, just a few normal ones as if we were continuing to talk then a few after realizing he wasn’t replying.

My world feels flipped upside down. I told a few people, and I knew I should have just kept my damn mouth shut. But my heart was happy. I was happy. And now I’m crushed.