A reason to smile.

Keeping this “protected” because I’m a wimp, might move to public in time…

Writing about it scares me… it’s as if talking about it jinxes it or something. I’ve told exactly one person. My good guy friend, Evan. I saw a snapchat photo of he and his girlfriend looking so stupidly happy in Christmas sweaters and he wished me a Merry Christmas I just had to.

Earlier this week I decided to quit the dating apps. There’s an option to “pause” on them, so I did that. It makes it easier to come back if I feel like it and not have to recreate the profile. I have been a bit in my head about being single and 40. I decided it was time to step away for a while. The holidays suck, and my shitty attitude, it was just better.

As I had wrote earlier, 40 is the year of me. I’m focusing on me. Being a better me, healthier in every aspect. Hell I even signed up for a 5k; as a walker… but a 5k no less. It’s sometime at the end of January. North Liberty’s winter event.

I had found some of my favorite pictures and uploaded it to TikTok with a Cody Johnson song, kind of as a “come at me bro” thing with a smart ass caption like “cheers to 40 here’s to more snarky shirts. Single life sucks, but at least my dog is cute”… then after an hour I took it down. I’ve only ever posted videos of Mox on my TikTok. It feel too much like a thirst trap / attention seeking thing; even though it was far from that. I decided to put it back up, I don’t know why but I did, kind of thought “what’s it gonna hurt, maybe I’ll look back sometime and laugh at this”.

I am glad I did. I cannot even believe I am typing this, but someone slid into my DM’s. Even that sounds weird to say. A kind message, more than a sentence and it wasn’t even naughty / dirty any of that sort. I didn’t see it for nearly an hour. We started messaging back and forth through TikTok, buy that evening, I threw out my Snapchat. It seemed like the next safe step.

Then we started texting, until pretty late. He’s currently in California [for another month], but originally from Kansas City. A travel nurse on contract out there. And… we’ve been texting ever since. A lot. Even FaceTimed last night. It has been so nice, made my heart so happy. For some reason this holiday season has felt very blah. I cannot really pinpoint it, but he has been very much a bright spot in it and helped it suck a lot less. I can honestly say I have never invested this much time talking to a guy in such a short time, and never in a million fucking years expected to “meet” someone on TikTok…

It still almost doesn’t feel real. He will be back this way end of January / first part of February when his current travel contract is up. And… just so happens I’m heading to Tulsa mid-February, going right through KC, MO. There are no set plans, but but there are plans if that makes sense.


I get my hopes up, always. This time I am being very realistic about it all, but enjoying it day to day. I have had more of a connection with him than any matches on the dating apps. It’s hard to explain it. Obviously the fact he’s tall and bearded helps, too. I guess time will tell.

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