A sneak inside my head…
I have never imagined getting married and having a fancy wedding, I’m just not a dress girl. Definitely not fancy in that I’m a jeans and hoodie kind of girl. I’ve never had my nails done like acrylics of dipped. I’ve had a few manicures, but just polish, shorter cut nails. I do enjoy pedicures but that’s about as high maintenance as I get when it comes to that kind of stuff.
I have this odd desire to want to try on wedding dresses, but like not in the size I am now because it’s probably much like a lot of plus size clothes, they don’t’ really have much if any for you to try on. You just have to order what you think will fit and wing it. I was supposed to be in a college friend’s wedding. Went and tried on the brides maid dress, it was a size 12, wasn’t going to need any alterations, nothing. That was early 2006. But I liked it. As it turns out me being in the wedding didn’t work out. I think I sold the dress in a garage sale. But I’m fairly certain if I ever get married, there won’t be much of a wedding, if at all. Even though I know who would likely stand up with me and how things would go with me walking down the aisle…
I always thought I’d be a Mom growing up. As I got a bit older the idea of having a child, blood relative was something I deeply wanted. A bit older and I realize that I wanted to do what my body was meant to do, make a human, birth a human, feed a human. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to try a natural birth, but if plans changed in the moment I would be okay with that. Now I’m 38 1/2 and fairly certain that I do not want kids. Maybe a bit deeper that I do want kids, I want to do what my body is meant to do, but I’m not sure kids are for me. If that makes sense. And obviously with age comes risks… and I can’t afford to go the turkey baster route. [Yes, I know that’s tongue in cheek, but you get my point…]
I want to know what my enneagram but I’m not sure which test to take, and I feel like I’ll “pick an angle” to get a specific number? Can’t someone just be like you’re a such and such.
How different would my life be if I stayed in college and actually completed a 4-year degree? Would I have toughed it out and stayed at Central just so I could study abroad? Would I have transferred to a state university?
I kind of wonder if Facebook is still around when I pass, if people will be like “well, she was kind of a bitch”. [They wouldn’t be wrong, but I kinda hope there would be some funny posts too, like “she drove us nuts posting millions of pics of her dog” or posts touting that they will drink a Pepsi in my honor] I want to live to be at least 82 [my Grandpa Gib always had a goal age, so that’s mine!]
Will I ever be someone who can do laundry and put it away? Or have a clean kitchen then let things pile up on the counter top or clean dishes as I go and load the dishwasher vs waiting a week then tackling it all and being pissed at myself for things that would have taken less than 2 minutes to do at the time…
When Moxie tilts her head does she think to herself “this lady is fucking crazy”
everyday jess 