Thoughts from 3 years ago

I wrote this 3 years ago…  I was talking to someone about this and had to share!

It’s a bit late; I’ve had a sleeping pill so here comes serious Jess:

On Mother’s Day I always wonder if she thinks of me. If she knows when she handed me over to one helluva great family. And then to worry about it for nearly 7 months before they’d sign paperwork and it would all be legal, forever not hers, but theirs.

The thing about that is, where does it leave me? The girl who grew under the heart and in a uterus / tummy of a lady whom if I met it was briefly for the first few days of life. To be handed to the forever family on day I was able to be discharged and go home with.

My heart kind of breaks for her. I am her daughter, too. I made her a mother, I want to thank her. She was strong and brave in ways most mothers don’t have to be. I do not know her. I kinda sorta want to know her. Being an adoptee is an incredible blessing. But part of it’s a little lonely too. I’m proud to be an adoptee, but there are a lot of unknowns with that. It’s a little scary, especially when it comes to the medical world. I just wish my biological family well. I hope they don’t struggle on days like today.

 

3 thoughts on “Thoughts from 3 years ago

  1. Jess, I share your sentiments completely. When significant events occurred in my life, I found it therapeutic to share my feelings with the birth mother that I had never known–I didn’t even know her name or how to contact her–simply addressed in letters to “Dear Mom.” Eventually, I pieced together my notes into a book Adoption Detective hoping that others would benefit from my experiences. Knowing that I have reached readers in 192 countries is way beyond what I had ever imagined. Adoption is a universally interesting topic to people of all ages in every culture around the world. Keep writing, you’re off to a good start…Judith

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    1. Thank you for the comment. I know “of” her, her name, and I’ve written her a letter but nothing has come of it. It’s been almost a year. I realize that a year is small peas considering I’m 37. She had a lot more time considering. I literally live less than a mile from her. But I will not encroach on her. If it happens naturally, it will. It is what it is. I’m not going to seek her out. I wrote a letter, said what I wanted, I feel like I got what “closure” if you will, I needed? I did my part. The ball is in her court.

      I think part of why I write here, is to keep track of life’s happenings for her or whomever wants to read of my life from my biological family, should they find me but also for anyone.

      Take care!

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      1. Jess, Mother and daughter equally suffer from the same cerebral wounds, numbness, and sentiments of penitence. Enduring these injuries and suffering in silence is what they habitually share in common. From that perspective remind yourself that emotionally you’ve never really been apart. Judith

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