Finally grieving a breakup.

When I broke up with Adam, it had been a while since I had seen him. Our texting was less and less, and I just had a sneaking suspicion we were at a point where something needed to happen.   I, of course ended it.  I accepted it, I mean, I made the call after all, but I’m not sure I grieved it.

It was the end of October and life was just starting to get crazy busy. I had four vendor events of my own and was helping a teammate with two of hers. Of course, add in that it was busy at work, and family stuff that comes with fall / winter holidays. And Shawn unexpectedly was home for a week when her grandpa passed and stayed with me.

Finally between Christmas and New Years when I had a few days off work to myself to get my condo in order, and some time to actually take time to myself to just “be”, I think it all set in. I was single. I was lonely.

I had read a series where there happened to be characters named Jess and Adam. I stupidly looked at Adam’s Facebook, and saw that he was “in a relationship” and it was only two weeks after I called it quits. It was a kick in the gut. Even though I was the one to end it, this made me feel like it was likely happening before, and it probably was.

For the two years he and I were together, I never met his family, just his daughter. He met a lot of mine, hung out with them, even came to a hotel for a weekend getaway once.   This last few weeks has been rough. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m 35 and kind of at that age where most people are having / are done having babies and married, or at the very least settling down. My brother and cousin are both getting married this year; both are younger than me.  I realize there’s no set age of when or if you should get married or have kids. And sometimes I’m still on the fence of if I want kids. Most of the time I do, but I think I convince myself I don’t so I’m not let down if it doesn’t happen.

The thought of dating makes me shudder. I’m a simple girl, I don’t care about make up, hair, or clothes. I’m not thin, hell I’m not even average. I’m a chunky chick. More often than not I’m proud of that, but who really sets out to date someone who’s got meat on her bones?  I’m not looking to just jump into bed with someone. If I’m going to date someone, I don’t expect it to get a ring in a few months, but I don’t want it to be a just for now kind of thing; to me it’s a trial run at a long term thing.  I’m realistic and know that sometimes they don’t work out.   And I know that it’s likely not going to happen right away, that it might take a few  [or a lot] or tries.  I just don’t really know where to start.

Part of me thinks I’m ready to get back on the horse and put myself out there, as in with using dating apps, but part of me is like if it’s meant to happen, you’ll meet a guy organically. But do I want to be single forever? I mean, I like having the bed to myself, but going to concerts alone is pretty lame.

I really just need to stop thinking about Adam. It’s done and over with. I’m most certain I wouldn’t take him back.   I’ve been single most of my life, and that’s okay, I’m just ready to not be single, and be important to someone outside of my family and close friends.

Is there a dating app for music lovers out there? I’m imaging a Tinder-esque type app that you select the genre[s] you like, area you live in,  concerts you’ve been to and select concerts on your concert bucket list.  With a messaging feature that you could be like “hey I’m in the lower bowl Row 12, seat 3,”  or maybe say “meet me at the bar after the first song, I’m the girl with the Purple Casey Donahew hat on”.  Can some of my smart techy friends please create this?

This is sounding incredibly whiny. I need to be done pouting and move on. name22-2


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